I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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