i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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