it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
