I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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