you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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