I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
