I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
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He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
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You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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