My first STD was from a foam party
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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