Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
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