I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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