sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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