whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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