beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
