Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just invented taco cereal.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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