Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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