I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
