I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
