I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
