her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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