When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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