is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
