I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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