This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
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I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
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Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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