I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
