Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
