I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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