Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
