tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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