Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
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It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
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Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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