two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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