I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
