Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
