He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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