i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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