Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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