we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
