I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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