put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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