Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
