my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
