miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
