she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
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the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
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They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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