So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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