So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
