Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
