I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we're making bets on your personal life
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
