I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize