There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
