thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
