After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just found puke in my bra..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
