her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
