I showed him my bush... on skype.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
