do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
