Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
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Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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